#0103: Zeddy Bear

Despite the fact that I have spent the last two decades down south in Straya, fragments of my childhood in Canada occasionally bubble to the surface in weird ways, like a rash that only seems to appear during summer.

So let me throw it out there, right now. Do you remember Zellers?

Unless you're a Canadian, American or have a queer fascination with defunct department stores, you're probably shaking your head in bewilderment. Hopefully not literally, because this is a blog, dammit, and I cannot see your frequent gesticulations. That thing that you're doing with your junk, though? I totally see that. Save it for the playground, pervert.

For almost eighty years, Zellers was a Canadian staple, offering affordable toys, homewares and other such wonderful goods, and never really bothering anyone. As is so often the case, however, those damned Yanks invaded the border, and in time, competition from Sears, Walmart and others choked the life out of humble Zellers.

By 2013, Zellers was all but wiped off the map, leaving only a couple of stores scattered around like the last of the Jedi, or the final shreds of Activision Blizzard's dignity. Topical? Hardly, but I'm trying. Actually, I almost misspelled that as 'toypical', which I may repurpose for my own nefarious gain at a later date.

Any good store needs a good mascot, and in the case of Zellers, there was Zeddy Bear. I don't remember much about him, but just looking into those big, vacant eyes, I don't think he remembers much, either.

A quick scan of the Internet — because we all want to know if he's HTF, dammit — reveals that this is a much less commonly found plush, with his gaudier redesign flooding eBay in mass quantities. One such listing claims that the plush will prove to be 'highly collectable'. If, in that sense, they mean that you can collect a veritable shitload of them because everyone is hawking the fucking thing, then there's a modicum of truth to that statement.

Meanwhile, this much more understated variation only pops up here and there. Tragically, that hasn't really increased his value, and I think if you account for inflation, the asking prices are actually selling at a loss compared to his late 80s/early 90s $19.95 RRP. I guess people are really sick of Zeddy clogging up their closets, his outstretched paw eternally waving as he hopes to find a new friend, but receives only apathy and disdain.

Jesus, that's fucking morose.

Especially when you consider the optimism that Zeddy came into this world with. His tag proclaims in big, bold letters, "HI! I'M ZEDDY BEAR", before going on to explain that "I'm looking after all my friends. We can take care of each other! LET'S BE BEST FRIENDS!"

Alright, let's break things down for a moment. First off, I don't quite get how he's looking after all his friends. Theoretically, he was just sitting there on the shelf, awaiting sale among fifty other identical plushes. Were those his friends that he was looking after? Were they part of a support group? Was his departure the catalyst that caused all of Zellers to go under?

It surely can't be that important, because he seems to be pretty chill about the concept of joining you, instead. You're his new best friend, everyone he's left behind is dead to him. He was also on sale at the time of purchase for $9.95, which I think is an absolute steal. The best kind of irresponsible, fickle teddy bear is a thrifty one!

Over on the other side, the tag targets the parents instead, just in case they weren't sold on this sentient bear forming an eternal bond with their child.

"Zeddy Bear is the 'spokesbear' for Zellers' Colour Me Careful Children's Safety Program.

Zeddy's funny, furry face will be popping up everywhere on products for children at Zellers. The kids are going to love him and learn from him, too.

Best of all, you can trust the Zeddy logo to represent top quality and style."

Well, that seems legit. I've never seen a toy that felt the need to justify itself so hastily, but it did a pretty good job of it. Needless to say, there's also a tag in French, just in case Quebecois families refused to believe the credibility of a non-Francophone stuffed toy.

We actually have two Zeddy Bears, which is an excellent haul, however the other one is sans tag and, more interestingly, sans shirt. It looks even more disheveled and broken, leading me to assume that this one is the sub of the relationship.

That photo probably didn't need to happen.

In all seriousness, if anyone who reads this blog happens to actually care about the quality of my toys, you'll be pleased to know that Zeddy is a really fantastic plush. His fur is soft, he's got his name embroidered into his hand, and he has this warm, peaceful smile on his face that belies the chaos that would befall his homeland.

He's got a little hang-tag adorning his noggin, though it seems a fairly odd proposition to hang a plush this large and heavy from the wall. I can picture him causing an entire panel to collapse, spreading plaster and good will all over the living room.

Looking at Zeddy, I can't help but feel melancholy. In my thirty years on this earth, I have seen many beloved memories from my childhood go up in smoke, longtime chains that we thought would be around forever. Zeddy sits somewhere among the clouds now alongside Geoffrey the Giraffe and the Blockbuster mascot, who I choose to assume is a giant VHS cassette with arms, legs and attitude.

I know that the 90s is never coming back, but that won't stop me from stubbornly detesting everything modern, spouting phrases like 'back in my day' and 'you kids ain't seen nothin' yet'. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch some Netflix on my laptop while sipping a nice, tall glass of hypocrisy.