Wednesday, March 2, 2011

#0011: The Incredible Hulk

Did I ever mention that one of the primary reasons that I’m doing this is to clear out space? Not out of the goodness of my heart, but on the pure basis that I’m surrounded by decades-old clutter. There comes a time in every man’s life where he looks upon his desk and ponders which will give him more joy: a large stereo system, or a Beetlejuice toy.

The answer is obvious.

And shit, it’s actually the Beetlejuice toy.

But we’ll ignore that anyway, and press on with the point I was trying to make; that this shit takes up room, and I appear to have chosen the slowest way possible to clear it. Just reflect, in nearly two months, I have removed ten small items.

Let’s get bigger. Let’s get the Incredible Hulk. …We’re gonna GIT ‘IM!

This one just seems obvious to me. I got him from an arcade that I worked at, not through a lot of money and effort at a claw machine, but, as best as I can recall, someone left him on the floor or in the office or something. Who really knows how or why I acquired this Hulk fella, but it truly harkens back to the kleptomaniac in me.

Frankly, he’s not that attractive. I know that that was never one of the hallmarks of the Hulk franchise, but he’s just nothing nice to look at in general. His build is particularly awkward. When I think of how I’d craft a Hulk physique, I’d get my inspiration from Machoke or Scott Steiner. It appears as though the good people at Hunter Leisure got their Hulk body ideas from a cactus crossed with the letter W.

His face is cheeky, and his teeth are green.

Shouldn’t Bruce Banner’s teeth shatter from rapid size change? I can understand his flesh expanding to the needs of the Hulk (though really he should be covered in rolls of loose skin), but in all honesty, after a busy Hulk session, Banner should really look worse for wear. He tends to just look tired and stressed, but that’s the same as in any profession.

We need to feel his pain, y’know? It’s hard to sympathise with him wanting to remove his gamma powers when those abilities make him huge and strong and green, but if he came out of it looking like he’d just taken on a velociraptor with an Uzi, it would make a little more sense.

…Apparently, a velociraptor with an Uzi was the most damaging thing I could think of. Not a wrecking ball, or an explosive device. Velociraptor with an Uzi.

…Damn Right.

I note with delight that, although his pants feature the traditional zig-zag tear at the bottom, the only other damage they appear to have sustained is a pair of holes at his knees. Yes, the Hulk has holes at the knees like a little kid.

I wonder how much crawling he did to achieve these holes, exactly? And during what kind of mischief? Do we ever see the Hulk on his knees? I mean, other than when he’s just copped a missile to the forehead? Why are these particular pants emerald green? Is he a fashionista?

Aside from that, I’m really not getting a whole lot from my Hulk. He’s hardly Incredible.

Though you know, when I look at him and his… buff physique… spiky hair… complete lack of intelligence… I can’t help but feel as though he reminds me of someone…

If Michael Sorrentino is the Situation, the Incredible Hulk is the goddamn Solution.

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