#0109: Metalhead

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Ninja Turtles lore can be a little bit complex at times.

Usually, you're pretty safe to assume who's good and who's bad on the sole basis of whether or not they are pretty. Monty Moose? Obvious good guy, what an outstanding Canadian citizen! Antrax? That scowling face, those terrible mandibles, he's clearly wicked! Ray Fillet? Look at the kindness in his eyes, he just reeks of valour! Pizzaface? He's pretty fucking hot, I guess he's okay.

Then you have others like Metalhead, who could teeter somewhere between the two based on aesthetics alone, and wouldn't you know it, has indeed worked on both sides of the coin. You robotic Judas!

For an impressionable youth like myself, Metalhead acted as the quintessential soldier of antagonism. It was pretty much a foregone conclusion that if there was some kind of clone fashioned after the main character, they were bound to be evil. Plus there was the handy clue when he called me a green slimball before opening fire.

...That's right. Slimball. There was a fucking spelling mistake in Turtles in Time and I only found out today. Needless to say, I'm not taking it well.

Originally devised by the Foot Clan as a means of infiltrating and destroying the green guys, Metalhead was reprogrammed by Donatello to serve in various fashions, depending on the iteration. Despite the fact that this cyborg was constructed with the sole mission of death and destruction, in the 80s cartoon, he's reduced to a role as the Turtles maid.

Seems like a waste of perfectly good killing machine, but I guess that made him the original Roomba.

My figure is in pretty fantastic condition. He's missing the accessories on his backpack, but the fact that he even has the backpack itself is something of a Christmas miracle. His chassis is super shiny and pretty (probably not the right context for the word chassis, but I so rarely get to use it), and he's sans battle damage.

The latter suggests that I never really played with my Metalhead, and the way he glares at me so menacingly backs up that notion. Do robots have feelings? Do computers wear tennis shoes?

Above all else, I really can't get over all of the little details littering his body. I've spoken a little bit about how fantastically intricate Turtles figures were, but it bears repeating again and again: no expense was spared in designing all that minutiae, and we never even noticed it as we flung them about the house with reckless abandon.

Ultimately, of the Turtles action figures I've sent onto greener pastures, this is probably the one I'll miss the most. He's just neat, and part of me thinks that he would serve as a perfectly suitable desk mascot.

However, toys are meant to be played with. This was the lesson taught to me by Toy Story 2 (in addition to 'never trust Kelsey Grammer'), so I can only pray earnestly that Metalhead will become the piece de resistance for some plucky child out there in... I dunno, Amsterdam.

He may just need a little bit of a recharge first. Battery leakage is no laughing matter, after all.