#0086: Pokemon Gashapon Figurines

After the raging success of the last entry (I asked the serial killer who occasionally visits my bedroom what he thought. He described it as being 'pretty cool', then proceeded to remove another one of my organs), I surmised that we ought to continue embracing the frenzy of Pokemania. Today, we're going much more minuscule, and for once, I'm not even dipping into my usual fallback of McDonald's-related merchandise.

These nifty Pokemon Gashapon figurines are not only tiny and adorable like a Colombian prostitute, but I think I could eat them all without even a single episode during the digestion process. Sorry, all that talk of McDonald's made me hungry.

I have had many dalliances with Gashapon machines over my thirty miserable years on this earth. Though not every toy vending machine falls under that branding, you're pretty much getting the same thing from all of them; wee little trinkets that you'll probably throw in the bin shortly thereafter, or in my case, store in a drawer at your dad's place for a decade, for reasons unknown.

One of my most vivid toy vending machine memories came when I used one that was dispensing rubber bug toys. I received something with big mandibles that resembled a stag beetle, which is fairly unspectacular by most accounts, but the main reason that I remember it is that I somehow broke the container in my feverish attempt to wrest my prize free, cutting my hand open on the jagged plastic. Think of the most gruesome death you've ever seen on The Walking Dead. It was basically that, but worse.

Fortunately, this happy trio is yet to cut me open. It consists of Turtwig, Chimchar and Piplup, the starting Pokemon from Diamond, Pearl and Platinum. For various reasons, gen 4 doesn't receive a lot of love; the victims of Pokefatigue and perhaps less ambitious than they should have been, they are still, of course, fantastic games that don't deserve a lot of the flack they catch. That kind of vitriol should be reserved for gen 7. Ho ho! Controversial.

Turtwig et al play merrily below an unspectacular tree, the ground dotted with several holes that suggest there was once some kind of apparatus to stand the figurines up. Of course, such an apparatus remains only a telltale whisper on a scandalous wind, so its veracity is dubious, at best. That there is fancy talk for I dunno where the fuck them things is at.

Don't worry, boys. We've all been there.

The figurines are unfathomably small, to the point where if you were to give them a whiff, you'd risk snorting them directly up your nostril. As such, any kind of aromatic pleasure you hope to receive from them is a fool's errand, and is best reconsidered. They have an admirable amount of detail, from Chimchar's cheeky monkey grin to Piplup's plumage. I bring attention to the latter because it has these white dot things on its chest that look all too much like nipples. Frosty penguin nipples, for all the world to enjoy. ...Did you enjoy? I thought they were okay.

What I can't help but wonder, though, is what purpose they are meant to serve. Not only are they incredibly losable (which is apparently a real adjective and that makes me very happy), but they don't really do much of note. They are more ornamental than anything else, and once you lose the pegs to actually make them stay put, as I am wanton to do, they don't even perform that task particularly well.

If you intend on flipping the script, pointing an accusatory finger my way and demanding to know why I bought them in the first place, my extravagance is already well-established. You are, after all, reading the blog of a man who bought this, these, these and this. Your words can hurt me no more than I can hurt my own bank account, so neener neener neeeeener!

I also have another Gashapon critter in my possession, but this one is even harder to explain.

Yes indeed, that there is Mr. Fancypants Darkrai, still in his original packaging and coming complete with a transparent Ash Ketchum boy toy of his very own. He comes from the Pokemon Diamond and Pearl Blockbuster line of Gashapon figures, and I can only surmise that this refers to the fact that they all had a movie about them at some point. I know for sure that that was the case with Mew, Lugia and Entei, each of whom are also included despite the fact that they have nothing to do with Diamond and/or Pearl, but the rest I'm not so sure of.

In fairness, there have been approximately 195 Pokemon movies, and most of us checked out mentally during the first one when the conflict between good and evil was resolved with tears. I was nine at the time, and as I sat there in the theatre with my dad, I couldn't help but feel ashamed by how lame that was. WHY WAS MEWTWO UPSET BY THIS DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS WAS HIS INTENTION THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME? BY HITTING CAPS LOCK I LOOK LIKE EVERY INTERNET COMMENTER AND WOW, IT'S A LOT MORE SATISFYING THAN I EXPECTED.

Darkrai is of a more serviceable size, but despite this utility, I kept him imprisoned like a particularly off brand version of Han Solo. And you know what, I really can't begin to tell you why. It's not like I was dismayed that I hadn't gotten Jirachi instead, choosing to cast Darkrai aside in an effort to show him that he's not pretty enough.

The mystery is so deep and complex, I think I'll keep him in there as I send him off onto his next chapter in life. Someday, someone more benevolent than I may decide to release him from his stasis, or the cycle will continue forevermore; a perpetual loop of ghastly misery.

As for Turtwig, Chimchar and Turtwig? Man, fuck those guys, they won't even stand up long enough for me to snap a decent photo. As if I care where they end up.

...Spoiler alert, I actually do kind of care, because I'm vaguely hopeful that someone really will either eat or snort them up. I don't know why I'm this way. I just am.