Oh come on, you didn't really think I would just limit this little beauty to a throwaway post, did you? There's no way I would simply jettison a proper Ninja Turtles toy without dedicating a complete post to its glory, and though this isn't exactly the cream of the crop, it is a) potentially the only Shredder action figure I ever owned and b) better than the fucking Turtlecycle, which inexplicably remains the most popular post I've ever made on this godforsaken blog by a sizeable margin.
People must just really enjoy fictional modes of transport. After all, second place goes to the Lowly Worm car. I guess I missed my true calling, as a preeminent blogger in the shitty car toy scene. Maybe I'll rebrand someday, we'll just have to wait and see.
But for now, we'll focus our attention on Slice 'N Dice Shredder, one of the 'wacky action' line of Turtles figures. Each came with a wind-up motorised function, and some were decidedly more wacky than others. Donatello was arguably the best of the bunch, capable of actually swimming in water aided by a torpedo accessory. Raphael could theoretically breakdance on his shell, but he always seemed to opt more for the breaking than the dancing. Leonardo and Michaelangelo got the short end of the bo staff, with only a spinning arm and wrist to their name, respectively, and probably a whole lot of dislocated joints.
As for the Shred Head? His idea of wackiness is to have metallic blades surgically implanted into his fucking arms like a maniac. It's the kind of wackiness that makes small children cry, and he is obviously not a good choice for birthday parties.
So let's get a good look at this bad dude. He's actually one of the better Shredder figures from the original '80s line, appropriately buff and foreboding. This is especially important when you consider how obtuse the original Shredder offering turned out, looking less like the ultimate villain and more like a kind of homeless wizard.
One of the first things you'll notice is the wind-up key sticking out of his torso in an area that proves inconvenient for both kids and Shredders alike. It would have made much more sense if it had been placed somewhere on his back or perhaps even the front of his pants, because it prevents his arm from moving in a full 360 degree motion.
How will he get shit out of his pockets now? What a disaster.
In almost a token manner of combatting this cumbersome apparatus, his left arm is slightly raised. It does make him look a little bit less awkward, but I can't help but shake the feeling like he's just walked ten paces and is about to draw his pistol. Plus, it gives me false hope that I can manage to sneak the arm past it if I just wish hard enough.
Alas, it only threatens to snap the key off entirely, rendering him incapable of slicing 'n/or dicing.
To be fair, the key seems to actually be busted anyhow, because no matter how much I wind it up, it's not building any momentum whatsoever. Pushing it in the other direction does make the gears in his shoulders move just a little bit, suggesting that perhaps there is still hope yet in those old bones of his, but without the capacity to tinker with it, nor the blades that are the whole modus operandi behind this stupid toy, it renders the point moot. Mega moot, in fact.
Slice 'N Dice Shredder also came equipped with a jagged sword and sickle that look freakin' awesome, and are actually cooler than the dopey blade gimmick, quite frankly. I'm fairly sure I could find the weapons if you gave me a few hours and four stout men to work the bellows. Last I recall, the sword was floating around somewhere in one of the toy chests scattered about the laundry room, and as near as I can tell, the sickle was with Mitsuko Souma.
In any event, there you have it. That's my Shredder. And as I mentioned in the opener, it may be my only Shredder, aside from a few miniature ones. I guess I really needed to broaden my horizons when I was a wee sprat, as I interpreted 'collect them all' to mean 'collect them Raphaels'. This was especially daft since I only ever used one Raph per play session, making each adventure into more of a monologue.
Had I only had the foresight to surround myself with a myriad of James Avery Japanese angry men (in the old country, we call him Jajam), I'd be much better off for it nowadays. Not that I would necessarily be playing with Shredder toys in 2018... I mean, sure, I might... but the major benefit would have been a much more interesting collection of knick knacks for this blog.
Guess I just couldn't resist the allure of those goddamn Turtles.
No comments:
Post a Comment