#0106: Insaniac

Ahh, Small Soldiers.

This thrilling family blockbuster hit theatres in 1998, and it was a rollicking good time from start to finish. Tommy Lee Jones as the gung-ho villain. Phil Hartman being his usual amazing self. Kirsten Dunst playing the young love interest, before she became an advocate for marijuana (or maybe during?)

As an impressionable ten-year-old, it was almost an inevitability that I would end up with merch, simply because Tony of the 90s was a spoilt little shit. And of course, there are no prizes for guessing which member of the cast I had my heart set on...

By any chance, was that character Insaniac?

...I'm sorry, no, it wasn't. I wanted Archer. But we can't always get what we want. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to throw a tantrum until I get my Archer action figure (a tantrum that has lasted an impressive two decades so far).

Insaniac is a member of the Gorgonites, a band of creepy yet good-natured sentient toys who are being hunted down by the ruthless Commando Elite. Despite being cast as the bad guys in their lore, the Gorgonites are peaceful, and lack in self defence skills. They're basically the 1992 Lithuanian Olympic basketball team.

This particular guy looks like he walked out of a failed pilot for a late 90s cartoon, complete with Tim Curry as the villain and Frank Welker playing his animal sidekick. I'd watch the shit out of this imaginary cartoon, personally, but I digress.

His schtick was that he was the wisecracking oddball, and acted as the frenetic antithesis to the leader, Archer. Just looking at him, he is probably riddled with STDs.

Should you be interested in more information, allow me to refer you to his page on the Small Soldiers wiki, where the comments section features such compelling discussions as 'Hes funny', 'Hes a maniac!' and 'me like'.

If articulation is your thing, Insaniac is the toy for you, featuring ball joints in his shoulders that let his arms move practically every which way. He can even do one of Hulk Hogan's famous poses, brother.

He isn't quite as fluid as his on-screen counterpart, however, and though he may appear to have points of articulation in his elbows and knees, these are merely for show. It does make him more film accurate, but golly, I think that's a cheeky bit of deception right there.

I can't think of another toy I've ever seen that features false articulation - not Bucky O'Hare, not the Street Sharks, not even Donald Trump.

On the plus side however, his torso is able to be pulled upwards to spin in 360 degrees, something that I was actually completely unaware of until I happened upon an eBay listing that informed me of such. His value has now increased by 500 Tony Points, a new form of cultural currency that is still yet to take off outside of my imagination and certain Maltese municipalities.

The reason I went hunting for Insaniac on eBay, incidentally, is not to see what kind of profit he would net me, but to ascertain whether I have all of his original accessories. If you're new to this blog —may I first say welcome, and please take off your clothes —you're probably unaware that I have a track record for losing about 85% of accessories.

Yes, even weapons crucial to their survival are soon misplaced, as if every action figure I've owned is simply a proxy for Vaike from Fire Emblem Awakening. In fairness, Insaniac does look like Vaike after years of crystal meth abuse.

However, we might have an exception here. Insaniac is brandishing his necessary chains, as well as his little buddy Miniac, a figurine with no articulation whatsoever (the inarticulate ninny). Miniac is forever posing as if he's been cornered by the police in a dark alley.

Judging by the rare instances of fully packaged Insaniac figures, my favourite of which seems to be an excuse for this guy to surreptitiously take photos of his dog, this was everything that was originally included.

What a rare feeling of jubilation! Insaniac is complete, and by association, so am I.

How will we celebrate this feeling of fulfilment? Why, by spinning, of course! Because it's an awesome way to get your daily cardio in, and more importantly, we're high as fucking balls, yo. I just hope you brought lots of gum.