Tuesday, November 29, 2011

#0032: WCW Grip n' Flip Figures

Rasslin' is a funny thing, really. At it's best, it's a spectacle to behold, as two (or more. Rarely less) combatants put together a beautifully choreographed and wonderfully executed match that tells a story, ebbs and flows naturally yet dramatically, and finishes so epically that the crowd rises to their feet.

At it's worst, and commonly it's conception by non-fans looking in, it's a bunch of burly men in tights pretending to fight, while hurling slander at each other before a massive crowd of rednecks.

Methinks neither of those descriptions will appease pro wrestling enthusiasts. In the former paragraph, I broke kayfabe. In the latter, I generalised fans as rednecks. And tragically, any crowd shot will affirm this as being true. The vast majority of wrestling fans are, truthfully, rednecks. I myself can even attest to this in a live environment, from an event I attended in 2000. Main event was Curt Hennig vs. Dennis Rodman. Wasn't great.

Since the last two-pack entry went so well (I mean, I liked it), I thought I might as well continue that trend, by dishing out some hardcore pain with the WCW/nWo Goldberg vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan Grip n' Flip figures. That was potentially the longest name for a toy ever.

I can scarcely remember when it was, or where we were going, but I first came upon these muscular friends while my father, sister and I were on a road trip. We were at a department store, and when I first laid eyes upon them, I knew that I most assuredly had to have them. Because like I said in a prior entry, I was a big WCW fan during the turn of the millennium, and Hulk Hogan was my favourite wrestler at the time.

And so, I forked out a sum of money that was somewhere in the realm of $35. I guess it was an allowance for this trip or something, because I distinctly remember it being my money to spend, and to this day, whenever I'm short of cash, I deeply regret spending those $35 that day, when I need that money so much more today.

An odd thought. But one I still can't shake. I need that cash for food and transport, and my wrestling toys have never given me either of these things.

Anyhow. They're very nicely crafted figures (though they've got some weird moulding around their abs that looks like rice), and their claim to fame is their magnetic hands. ...Haha, that sounds like an excuse a molester would use. 'Magnetic hands'.

So you bump their fists together, and then squeeze their left leg to lift their arms, causing them to fling each other about. There's also a magnetic panel on the collapsing chair, allowing it to become a weapon, and on Hogan's back, allowing him to become a blonde projectile.

See it in action!

It got kind of awkward when it transitioned to them riding an invisible see-saw before a majestic skydiving session. Furthermore, I think there's something very wrong with the magnet in Goldberg's left hand. Locking fists with Hogan has made some strange mist emerge that resembles smoke. I have no idea how or why that has happened, but it renders even the friendliest attempt at dap incredibly deadly.

One of the excellent things about these toys was that I always felt okay in throwing them around and treating them like dirt. After all, that's what they're made for, right? Brutal pummeling! Throw them off the tabletop, watch them tumble down the stairs, pit them off against an angry dog... It has the makings of being the cruelest, most bizarre wrestling event in history. Mildly akin to The Running Man.

The additional props these guys come with are pretty good, too. The chair is strictly for melee use, however, because these fellas have knees so stiff it would make Al Gore feel flexible. There's actually only one way to even position them atop the chair, and it's...

...Inappropriate, at best.

The title belt is even better. Because it can be given to any appropriately sized toy, no matter what lore they hail from.

I spent many an enjoyable minute sifting through my legion of plastic contenders, crowning each champion as I so chose. People may have even forked out good money for the pay-per-view event, in which Kermit the Frog narrowly eked out a win against an ultra-competitive Koosh.

In fact, I don't think I'm done yet. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to crowning ridiculous world heavyweight champions!

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