#0102: Mario Kart Yoshi

'Welcome to Mario Kart', declares Tony, grandly entering the room with all of the levity of a six-year-old's birthday party. He has a hollow grin plastered on his face, and half-empty bowls of candy balanced haphazardly on each palm. Your first instinct is to scream at him, but you're far too shocked by his brazen disregard for your feelings.

You waited several months, again, for him to return, and he doesn't have the common decency to address his absence? Or the fact that he missed yet another anniversary for his poor, unloved blog?

Of course not! Because he's done that no less than four times already, and that shit is overplayed. So just enjoy the frivolity, baby, and look forward to the next blog entry, due sometime in mid-2020.

For today, you have a Mario Kart Yoshi to deal with. Ugh, another mouth to feed Tony, you fucking cad.

What do you expect? Once a hoarder, always a hoarder. And in my advanced years, I've been trying less to jettison old toys, and focusing more on my floundering career. Ostensibly, I'm a journalist. Literally, I'm a fucking dropkick. But that doesn't mean I can't pull an entry out of my ass every now and then like an old man with a startling disregard for his hemorrhoids.

There is no segue that could possibly recover that last paragraph, so instead, we'll just jump right into the fray. Whoa, nelly! There's a dinosaur driving a car! I haven't seen that in weeks.

Over the years, there have been a few different variations of remote controlled Yoshi toys. The most recent offering, based on the anti-gravity mechanics found in Mario Kart 8, is capable of literally driving up walls using what I can only assume is some kind of voodoo magic.

But back in my day, we weren't quite so lucky. Indeed, my history with remote controlled cars is rather dubious as a whole. I recall having one when I was about seven or eight. I drove it out on the driveway on the first day, and it just upped and died. Right there on the spot, it said 'no more of your shit, Anthony' and broke down, never to operate again.

I never did get a replacement, and it's probably part of the reason why I still don't drive to this very day. Too many haunting memories, you see.

It wasn't until some time circa 2006 that I dared try my luck again on the RC front, this time entrusting my fate with a spaced out lizard who is actually incapable of putting his hands on the wheel. I sure hope he's insured.

Purportedly, this series of toys was released in 2004 by NKOK, though it seems a bit odd to me that, based on the packaging, they would be modeled after Mario Kart 64, as opposed to the more recent Double Dash, or even Mario Kart Advance, for that matter. MK64 was old news by that point, with its successor, the flawed but amiable GameCube, well into its lifespan.

64 was probably the most iconic title, however, and lord knows that they weren't about to go to the effort of sticking Wario's fat ass on the back of a kart, so this is what we ended up with.

Despite Yoshi's apathetic driving style caused by his inexplicably movable arms, the model actually looks pretty spot on. Granted, it's hard to mess up a design as simple as Yoshi, but other than its dead-eyed stare, everything else is as it should be. You can practically hear it make that famous sneezing sound it used to do before Yoshi's Story ruined the character forevermore.

That's a discussion in and of itself, by the way. Feel free to message me if you'd like me elaborate, and/or text me some nudes.

What doesn't look quite as kosher, however, is the remote itself. There's no dials, wheels or knobs for you to fiddle with, instead featuring a mere two button system. As you may have gleaned from the arrows on said buttons, Yoshi is capable of going forward, or backwards while veering off to the right.

That's it. No hairpin turns. No loop-de-loops. He literally has the functionality of someone who is trying to parallel park.

With that in mind, it kind of makes sense why he doesn't have his hands on the wheel. After all, he's not planning on turning at any time, instead opting to barrel forward recklessly until he meets his demise like Thelma and Louise. It's among the most mind-boggling design choices I've ever seen in a toy, and it may even claim the top spot overall.

It's not so much remote controlled as just remote prompted. That sounds a lot less fun. And vaguely reminiscent of a mistranslation.

But hey, maybe in practice, it's actually quite amusing? Perhaps we can get him up to a sufficient speed to make it rather death defying? If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit.

Wait, what? I can't quite even work out what happened just now. Despite my thumb being pressed firmly on the forward button — a button which, by its very name, is intended for the sole purpose of moving forward — Yoshi decides to swing a right and take the off-ramp to Sacramento.

His tomfoolery is soon foiled when he hits a patch of grass and gets completely bogged. It was just as uninspiring as I had envisaged, albeit far more bewildering. Like going to a $5 stripper, and halfway through, she decides to stop and just eat her lunch instead.

I suppose it's only appropriate that all this time later, remote controlled toys are still finding a way to disappoint me. In turn, I shall continue to disappoint friends and family around me, keeping the perpetual cycle going forevermore.

...That wasn't meant to sound as sad as it did. If I wanted to put out a cry for help, I'd choose a lot less of an obscure format than a toy blog, to be honest.

Addiction renewed, part 1

So what happens, you may be asking, when a blog dedicated to clearing space and moving on in life comes to a stall?

...Addiction sets back in, of course. And because I've arbitrarily made the commitment to never get rid of any toys unless they're in the guise of this blog, there's only things coming into my possession, when it's supposed to be the other way around.

But hey... I hope you enjoy my amiibos!! I certainly do. I wonder if they're the only item that's rapidly multiplying? Stay tuned...

5 amiibo Crossovers That Would Be Awesome

Nintendo have proven time and time again that they rather enjoy your money. Apologists may try to dismiss this concept, but ask anyone who ever bought the first version of a Nintendo handheld. After about a year, a better version is released, causing you to jettison the old one like it was a discarded tissue. A $150 tissue that your parents probably bought you for Christmas, no less.

Their latest foray into dollar gobbling comes in the form of the amiibos. For those unfamiliar, they are small, Skylanders-esque figurines that you can touch onto the Wii U gamepad to interact with certain games. The most fleshed out example so far is their implementation in Smash Bros. Place your cute little Kirby amiibo onto the gamepad, and voila! He's in the game, as an AI-controlled character that you get to train like a pet. You teach him, of course, by beating the everlasting shit out of him. In response, he grows meaner and more ruthless with each skirmish, while occasionally giving you presents and trophies. It's the Nintendo cockfighting you've always longed for!

In the case of Smash, there will theoretically be an amiibo for every single playable character, so start saving up now. Then, try and see if you will ever find a single other opportunity to use your Duck Hunt amiibo again. I suggest while on an actual hunting trip, brandishing it whenever your friend misses their target. Be warned, they might actually shoot you for this.

Some amiibos have also had interactivity with other games; Mario Kart allows certain figurines to provide your Mii characters with costumes, while the Zelda-related amiibos give you special items in Hyrule Warriors. And this is where things get interesting: how does one dictate which characters will be compatible with each game? The Mario cast were obvious locks for Mario Kart, but considering you can make your Mii cosplay as Fox McCloud, the alternative opportunities are limitless.

Here are some potential crossovers that would be undoubtedly awesome:

Mario in Wii Fit

For a man capable of doing backflips, springing onto roofs and literally jumping off of walls, Mario sure is a portly fellow. He must be doing some serious binge eating between each adventure. But we can help change things from 'he fat' to 'Wii Fit' by replacing the eerie monochrome trainers with Nintendo's mascot.

Besides, we've known Mario all our lives, we love Mario, we trust Mario. "Let's stretch-a our legs, wahoo!" Mario advises. And so, we stretch-a our legs. "Hoo! Take-a da deep breath." He instructs. Da breath has never been deeper. "Try to keep-a your center of balance within da yellow area - OK?" ...Actually, it's hard to picture that in Mario's voice. This coming from a guy who learnt how to play backgammon from Mario.

The only concern would be whether featuring the famous Jumpman would lead to people actually leaping on the balance board during mini-games. For the record, such a transgression leads to you being automatically booted from the game. That balance board sure doesn't mess around.

Mega Man in Zelda

Link's got all of the tools and the gadgets in the world, who else could have an arsenal wide enough to tackle the vast landscape of Hyrule? Why, Mega Man of course, a hero infamous for stealing the abilities of slain foes like Sylar from Heroes, or Jet Li in The One, or Zynga whenever they make a new game.

The point is, Mega Man has a tool for every situation. Need a melee weapon to mow through legions of minions? Equip the Flame Sword and lay hellfire in your wake. Can't reach that elusive Heart Container? Climb aboard the Rush Jet and zip over with ease. Faced up with a particularly nasty enemy with no apparent weakness? Use the Top Spin, and spin at them like a maniac to cause massive, inexplicable damage. Seriously, Shadow Man, you disappoint me.

And just think of all of the Zelda bosses you've encountered over the years. Sure, completing their dungeon would score you a sweet new weapon in the process, but how much better would it be if you could steal the bosses' own powers? From the Helmasaur King's mighty shielded noggin to Barinade's electrified jellyfish, the range of awesome tools you could have at your disposal is scintillating. Props to any person who activates Gyorg ability to turn into an angry fish. Because that's not quite as cool, obviously.

Pikachu in Metroid

Since their appearance as allies in Smash Bros Brawl, the Internet has embraced the concept of Samus teaming up with Pikachu. Perhaps it's because of Samus' colourful past of enlisting the services of local animals, or something far more complex, but a quick search reveals that fans have fallen in love with the unlikely duo. It also leads you to drawings and fanfiction that take you down the darkest corridors of the human mind, so there's that.

So far, amiibo implementation has never given you anything too hugely different from the typical gameplay experience, but introducing Pikachu as Samus' little adventuring chum could change all that. Imagine if certain areas were only accessible after the little electric mouse. If you could use his voltage to recharge certain weapons. If Pikachu could one-hit KO Ridley for no definable reason other than to bemuse us all. Would purists cry foul at the tie-in? Or did purists already bail out after Other M?

The juxtaposition of the dark, sinister world of Metroid and the cuddly little Pokémon is also an amusing image that could only be topped by the juxtaposition of Metroid with Wario. Would there have been as much fanart of a Samus/Wario crossover? I shudder to think.

Captain Falcon in Star Fox

The obvious route here is for the amiibo to provide aesthetic changes to the Arwing. And though it would no doubt be cool to travel the Lylat system in the Blue Falcon, they should take it further. Much, much further. I'm talking about replacing perennial wingman Falco with Captain Falcon himself.

Can you imagine it? The banter-heavy Star Fox universe improved drastically by Captain Falcon's completely irrelevant one-liners.

Fox: "Just what I need to see. Star Wolf."
Falcon: "Show me your moves!"

Fox: "Falco! Where you going?"
Falcon: "Falcon kiiiiiick!"

Fox: (upon crashing to his death) "Ahhhhhhhhh!!!"
Falcon: "YES."

Perhaps his inclusion could even make the game harder, as he occasionally rams into other ships, friend or foe, while screaming out "Falcon PAWNCH". You'd hate it until he started targeting Slippy, be honest.

The Villager in Mortal Kombat

Okay, so this one strays from the realm of Nintendo IPs, but we all know that the true malice of Animal Crossing's Villager is being limited by the games he's confined to. In a world of hell-bound sorcerers, zombified Shaolin monks, and whatever Mokap's deal was, the Villager would simply thrive. He collects bugs, he collects souls.

His shovel and axe make for obvious weapon choices, but the most exciting concept is trying to work out what his Fatalities would be. Whether he uses his fishing rod to tear a skeleton from its skin, or unleashes an army of angry tarantulas from his pockets upon hapless enemies, his visage would be remembered across the NetherRealm for generations to come.

Just... don't ask me what fighting style he would use. Surely judo would suit his short stature, but he doesn't appear to have great upper body strength. In actuality, he would probably only be able to punch people in the nads, and that technique remains the intellectual property of Johnny Cage.

The mysterious sign

The above sign has hung on the door of my sister's room for as long as I can remember. Even when we moved overseas, it came with us, proudly displayed upon the doorknob.

At a glance, there's nothing too odd about it. As you can see, Mario is rudely barring entry, under the pretense that a Nintendo game is in progress. Is it Super Mario Bros.? Ocarina of Time? Tomodachi Life??

We may never know, but fair enough. We can't go in, because there's some serious Nintendo-ing going on in there. Should we interrupt, who knows the catastrophic consequences that could befall us? For all we know, Andross will destroy the galaxy, and frankly, that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

However, the sign then takes a turn most sinister...

Ehh??!! The other side says 'do not disturb'? What sorcery is this?! For one thing, it makes me assume that the Nintendo game that previously took place is some serious shit (fastest times in Diddy Kong Racing or similar), to the point where the occupant must be alone to recover. But more importantly, it begs the question: when can you actually enter the room??

Either an important Nintendo game is in session, or you are forbidden from disturbing all who dwell within. The end result is you, as the outside door dweller, are left to feel most unwelcome. All my childhood, this was my fate, coupled with a literal stop sign that was later lost somewhere in the folds of time. It's no wonder I have serious abandonment issues to this day. Fuck you, door, you're the genesis of my failures.

10,000 squizzes could net you SUPER PAPER MARIO!!

Oy vey! It's finally happened, a number of great significance: INAKA has netted a grand total of 10,000 page views. Break out the champagne if you like, but temper your excitement, because truth be told, I think roughly 6,000 of those views were from me.

Regardless, I thought we'd celebrate with our very first competition! Yes! A competition with a prize, no less!

Answer this one simple question, and you could nab yourself a copy of Super Paper Mario! No fees, no catches. I'll even pay for the postage, because I'm just that kinda guy.

The question: What is the real name of the Ugly Laser Man?

The conditions: Keep in mind, I'm Australian, so this is in fact a PAL version of Super Paper Mario, only playable on a PAL Nintendo Wii. So all you lovely Yanks out there, keep this in mind!

Also, yes I'm aware that this is a pretty old game, but if you want to seek some sort of fresh relevance, you could claim that it'll help prepare you for the upcoming 3DS iteration. Aye? Aye.

So send in your answers! Typically, only two people regularly leave comments, but perhaps the promise of free stuff will entice you? You have nothing to lose, and a lovely papery Mario to gain!

...On a similar yet unrelated note, you might be pleased to know that a familiar old foe is Krangin' out over at Toyriffic...

#0045: Mario Kart Super Circuit

I'm sure a few people out there are getting sick of me pawning off all of these video games in what is purportedly a toy-focussed blog. To them, however, I reply with the consistency of a cannibal's breakfast. Tough!

Tonight, we pay tribute to an excellent little game that is only leaving my possession due to Nintendo giving me free stuff. To elaborate, Nintendo dropped the price of the 3DS not too long ago by about $100. To satiate the loyal fans who had paid full price for their 3DS, Nintendo gave away ten free NES and GBA games to early owners. And this worked out nicely for me, because my 3DS was a gift. So basically, it was a free handheld with free bonuses. I felt like a free man from Fremantle.

These games have definitely gotten a lot of mileage on my 3DS (almost typed that as molestation for some reason). In fact, at 51 hours playtime, Fire Emblem SS has become the most used title of all. As for Mario Kart Super Circuit, possessing it on the 3DS made my existing GBA cartridge expendable. So away it goes, to be enjoyed second-hand, where my once-legendary course records are quickly bested by a smug seven year old. I know this well, because I once was that smug seven year old.


Super Circuit is the third in the beloved Mario Kart series, and was the game I bought with my GBA. It is most similar to the SNES original, because it uses the same graphical manipulation of the map in order to make the appearance of movement in a three-dimensional plane apparent. For that reason, it's best not to play this game immediately after one of the later DS titles. Because your world will quite literally be spinning.

Revisiting this game after more than a decade is certainly proving difficult for me so far. To my dismay, Bowser is controlling exactly as a fat spiky turtle would; miserably and chaotically. And I'm too much of a manly man to shift to the more manageable vehicles of a pink-clad princess or sissy mushroom. No, I'll begrudgingly stick with my big fat man 'till the bitter end, and, by the looks of each failure and lost life, that isn't too far off.

Super Circuit features a few neat little quirks that, for some reason, haven't returned in the sequels. The classic homing red shells have a second feature where they can be planted on the ground, and will chase after the next driver to pass by, which is a spiffy way of protecting a lead, and confusing and frightening players when it happens to them for the first time. Sentient red shells? Madness!!

Also, Super Circuit has a 'quick run' option, which allows you to race any track against a full pack of opponents. Usually, you'd have to reach each track in grand prix mode for the full competitive experience. Unless I'm mistaken, this mode has not appeared in another Mario Kart, and I can't really think of a reason why.

...Well, I could think of a reason, but I doubt it would be correct. My current theory involves raccoons.

In my opinion, Super Circuit has some of the best track design of the series. It's a little hard for me to enjoy them with the passion and competitiveness that I used to because of my aforementioned control difficulties, but I can at least look back at Sky Garden and its ilk with bleary-eyed nostalgia. And if that isn't enough to whet your whistle (what does that mean, exactly? It's always sounded very rude to me), the entire selection of SNES tracks are unlockable to boot. So effectively, you're getting two games' worth of content for the price of one. You're just minus a Koopa Troopa, and you'll have to deal with that in your own way. Me personally, I just pummelled a stationary Wario in battle mode mercilessly. It certainly gave me peace of mind. It also certainly never got me invited to any parties.

Ever since the very original, I have never missed an entry in the series. I have had a long and colourful history with Mario Kart, and this shows no sign of changing as the years go by. I'm a big kid at heart, and video games have still held my fancy for twenty years.

Why, just today I finally evolved my very first Chaos Chao on Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. To those of you who aren't aware of the significance of this, it takes a whole lot of waiting and rebirthing and meticulous animal-related fusion in order for this accomplishment to take place. Yes, after a decade of rearing tubby digital blobs, Chappy has finally morphed into his ultimate form. He was once a cute, cuddly little guy with a cheeky grin, and he's now practically a god!



...I kind of regret that transformation, actually.

#0039: Super Mario Kids A-Peel Stickers

I am shameless enough to admit that I lived a pretty comfortable lifestyle as a kid. My family was, at that time, pretty well off, so we could afford to go on yearly holidays. For this reason, I am a wily veteran of airplane trips. It’s a sad fact that I have spent more time in airplanes than I have behind the wheel, and the reason is simple: if I’m in an airplane, I’m going to London or Hawaii. If I’m in a car, I’m going to the petrol station. And possibly, I’m going to die, because I cannot drive worth a shit.

Despite my wealth of experience however, I was hardly a patient child. Planes were an icky, cramped place to spend hours on end, and I had to keep my impressionable young mind sharp and focused. Because who knows, any time might be the moment the ninjas strike! I had to be ready. I had to be equipped with my Super Mario Kids A-Peel stickers. Yeah, fuck you, ninjas! I had Goomba stickers.

Basically, these were vinyl stickers that you’d plonk onto a storyboard to create your own fun and amusement, and because they could be peeled off with ease, you could reallocate them however you saw fit. Did you need another set of chairs at the table? No worries, just pick them up from where you’d previously left them, typically underwater, and chuck ‘em where you wanted ‘em.

This set includes all of the necessary Mario characters, including a disco-loving Bowser, and a Blooper that says ‘sup?’


I myself never knew anyone who looked like the kids on the packaging. They’re a little too 80s ghetto for my liking.

The best Kids A-Peel packages spanned multiple pages, and offered a bevy of stickers. They were often Disney stories, so you knew they weren’t going to cut corners there. If we were going to have an ultra-condensed version of Beauty and the Beast, we were going to be given so many stickers we wouldn’t give a shit. I liked putting Mrs. Potts in places she really didn’t belong. When the Beast was facing off against Gaston, he could rest easy knowing Mrs. Potts was in his corner, grinning as she supervised the action.

Then, it grew to even greater proportions, with Mrs. Potts escaping the confinement of the sticker book, appearing on windows and the refrigerator. Eventually, she just up and left one day, and I haven’t found her since. I’m sure she’ll resurface someday, having tucked herself into an issue of Where’s Waldo or Les Misérables.

The Super Mario sticker sheet however, was only one storyboard, so you couldn’t mess around. You had to place as many strategically placed enemies about the map as you could, for sticker Mario to navigate around before finally plucking the axe from the bridge and sending Bowser plummeting to his doom.

Me personally, I always thought Bowser should either get rid of that axe mechanism that led to eight straight deaths, or just shoot fireballs from the safety of the floor behind him. I mean, bro, that bridge was doing you no favours. Get off the damned thing!

Now, on the 20th birthday of my fantastic Super Mario reusable static cling vinyl stickers storyboard, let’s see what kind of epic fable I can assemble!


We begin with Mario taking his anger out on the first hapless Koopa Troopa who happens to be standing there at the time. The Koopa looks at me, as though to say, ‘shit, you’re kidding me!’ before he dies a fiery death. His funeral is small and inexpensive.


On his way to the next world, Mario punches a block. However, like most blocks, it is empty, and hitting it results in nothing but a broken hand. Surely, he should have realised that that was a bad idea?


Now Mario scales down towards the darkened catacombs. On his descent, he comes upon a Paratroopa botanist who is quite flustered with his early arrival. ‘Wait!’ the Paratroopa shouts, ‘I haven’t set up my vine yet!’, but Mario cares not. He moves on with disinterest, and the Paratroopa is left aghast that the vine he had worked so hard on for all these years was for naught. Poor pedantic Paratroopa, says the alliteration buff.


Now in the underground cavern, Mario comes upon a Lakitu who threatens him while hovering upside down, in an effort to get into Mario’s head and weird him out. However, Mario has no time for this existential, passive aggressive attack. He carries onward.


‘Feed me, Seymour!’ the Piranha Plant pleads. Mario takes the Piranha Plant out to dinner at an upper-class French restaurant, and then they go dancing at the local discotheque. They are now going steady.


Mario passes by a pipe he had seen earlier above ground. He had been tempted to go down it before, but was advised against it by an odd worm with blue hair. Relieved, the worm mutters to himself, ‘If she’d ‘ave kept on goin’ down that way she’d ‘ave gone straight to that castle.’


Though he should have now been able to head down directly to Bowser’s dungeon, Mario falls afoul of a block which should not have been here. ‘Curse you, Dungeon Master!’ he shouts, before rolling a +20 in fortitude. He proceeds on through an alternative route, where he happens upon Bowser’s drug money. Lucky!


He comes out of the fortress and now he’s FUCKING HUGE!!!


An ominous cloud hangs about the next room. Though at first it arouses Mario’s suspicion, he later dismisses it as a rogue weather pattern. I can honestly assure you that this was not the sort of plot I was creating 20 years ago.

…Because clearly, I would have had the drug money in a different room.


Mario is instantly hit by a flash of bright colours. Disco Bowser is here! But he’s not where he should be! He’s listened to my advice, and is standing a great distance behind the bridge. Bowser yanks the axe, and Mario falls into the lava. His funeral is better than the Koopa’s.

And that is the end. It was fantastic.

As for the sup Blooper, he’s gone off on his own quest, in honour of his hero, Mrs. Potts. Will we ever meet again? The odds are good. When you’re next flipping through the pages of your tome, keep your eyes peeled (pun!), and maybe… just maybe… you will be paid a fruitful visit by the sup Blooper…