#0040: Madden NFL 06 (PS2)

In every great legacy, there's a setback. Even the strongest among us falters here or there, and it's because of these missteps that we are able to grow and learn.

For Napoleon, it was Waterloo. For Nintendo, it was the Virtual Boy. For Kesha, it was pursuing a career in music. And for Tiburon, it was Madden NFL 06.

It was supposed to be a good idea. A gameplay mechanism that allowed more control and precision over your quarterback's throws. It sounded to the layman like a massive step forward from football game to football simulation.

After all, 2005's hit stick was an exciting way to finally deliver those bone-crunching tackles you'd always wanted to on puny guys like Az-Zahir Hakim. The rear cover boasted that this was the 'year of the quarterback'. It omitted the word 'shitty' between 'quarterback' and 'the', because we were handcuffed to the infamous cone of shame.

Known at the time as 'QB vision', it meant that every time you threw a pass, a ray of light shot out from your quarterback, indicating their range of visibility, or their fondness for Scott Summers. Throws made outside of this light area were horribly off-target, and suddenly this made a QB's awareness stat of utmost importance. If you were Peyton Manning, you could see almost everywhere. If you were Kyle Boller, you were Stevie Wonder.

To test it out for the first time in ages, I took on the woeful 2-14 49ers, and the results were not pretty. Steve McNair completed 15 of 33 passes for 222 yards, 2 TDs (one a miracle completion to Drew Bennett, the other an inexplicably successful 4-yard goalline grab by Troy Fleming, where the 230-pounder miraculously juked a defender) to 3 interceptions (iPhone wanted me to say interventions), and 2 sacks. On the other side, rookie Alex Smith fared even worse: 9 of 20, 136 yards, 1 interception and 7 sacks. Those are the kind of stats I'd expect if I were playing football.

In case you were wondering, yes Erron Kinney was fantastic. I'm beginning to think that he was actually the lead programmer with EA at the time, or had slept around a fair bit in order to put himself in such high regard. End game: a 13-31 win that I'm not proud of. Also, the only good game that Andre Woolfolk ever played. Historic.


As you can gather, the QB vision element was more of a hindrance than a benefit, simply too cumbersome for a game of it's pace. You could turn it off if you wanted, but then that defeated the purpose of even getting the game. If you were updating your Madden, you wanted more of a payoff than Pacman freakin' Jones.

On that note, this Madden is a bit sour grapes to me anyhow, because it came after a Titans 5-11 campaign, making them one of the worst teams in the game. So I'm playing the worst Madden game with one of the worst Titan teams... why, exactly?

Another gripe I have is that punt returning is simply impossible, because your AI won't block for you. Instead, they'll face your direction, watching with eager anticipation to see what happens next. And, inevitably, that results in your return man getting absolutely killed. In my case, that returner is aforementioned Pacman, which makes it okay.

AI issues aren't new to Madden, but because the overall package is usually so good, it's otherwise overlooked. In 06, however, it's hard to get into the game when your QB passes as well as Garo Yepremian.

#0017: Madden NFL 2005 (DS)

Well this is terribly mildly exciting, isn’t it? INAKA now shows that it is neither sexist, racist, or toyist, as it expands its ever-reaching clutches towards the medium of video games.

Video games are a different monster for me entirely, as far as parting ways goes. I’ve been playing them for as long as I remember, and eventually, like most other people, while my interest in toys waned as I grew up, my love for video games stayed strong.

According to IGN, I have a mighty collection of 244 games all up, with an estimated value of $7,606.32. I’m none too sure exactly how this value system is calculated; are games judged separately? Do I have a Lowly Worm-like ‘HTF’ gem? Has the presence of Bubsy 3D bumped the value down by approximately $800? And does anyone care that I own the Simpsons Cartoon Studio? Anyone at all?

Partly because of this list, and partly because of a feeling that I just might want to play them again someday, I have never once parted ways with a game. Not even my busted copy of Mortal Kombat 3 on Sega Genesis.

But they take up room, just like any other toy. So with a stiff upper lip and ecstasy knowing that GAME might pay me $5 for it, I cut my ties with Madden ’05 on the Nintendo DS.


I recall the night well. There I was, tucked away in the farthest reaches of Comox, B.C. The hour was approaching midnight, and it was December 31st. Whilst almost everyone else in the country was gathering with friends, out on the town, or at least enthusiastically eying their new Hello Kitty calendar, eager to unveil January’s illustration of Keroppi playing baseball, I was at home. Alone. And that was just the way I liked it.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I was ending 2004 playing video games, because that’s how I started the year. It was a little bit less lonely that time however, because I was playing Animal Crossing, so I got to hang out with my good mate Alfonso. Unfortunately, Alfonso was absent from my copy of Madden on the DS, so I had to just make due with Albert Haynesworth.

There was a rare sense of achievement as I began 2005, because while most folks got sloshed, I shut out the Miami Dolphins to begin my season. It was exciting! It was stellar! And looking back now, it was entirely insufficient.

I am an avid fan of American football, at least as much as anyone can be when they’re on the other side of the planet, and broadcasters are under the miserably false impression that everyone wants to see five Oakland Raiders games a year. In 2004, my fandom was still in its infancy. I had only started following it during the ’02 playoffs, and my first foray into Madden was with the 2003 edition on the Gamecube.

Funnily enough, I skipped a year for some unknown reason, thereby missing the game-breaking mechanics of ‘04’s Michael Vick, famous for running faster than either Sonic the Hedgehog, or Kabal from the aforementioned MK3.

So I hadn’t seen a whole lot of Madden just yet. I didn’t know that the 2005 counterpart on home consoles would prove to be immeasurably superior, and I was too high on my new DS to realise that the player models were woefully lacking, especially when compared to another launch title, Mario 64 DS.


You might think I’m being a touch too critical based solely on those images, but it gets even worse when Madden’s in motion. They move rigidly, animate jerkily, and appear to have a magical ability to kick a football seconds after their foot had already passed by it. Frankly, I am unclear how this mystical kicking power would prove useful in the game of football, but darn it, they sure have it.

Beyond just the cosmetic shortcomings, the game also controls very awkwardly. Predominantly because of the poor animation, it’s hard to track exactly what’s going on out there. Is that mess of pixels a friend? A foe? Or is it Pac-Man, lost en route to his own game? Can’t be sure, better chuck the ball there and hope for the best. On the plus side, you can use the touch screen to throw to receivers, but that still doesn’t make them much more efficient at actually bringing the pass in.

To me, Madden just shouldn’t be done portably. I haven’t yet played a ‘Madden to go’ experience that didn’t disappoint, despite reviewers giving them the thumbs up. Call me spoiled by the ‘roided up performances of today’s consoles, but I’ll leave football sims to the big boys, thank you very much.

But perhaps the thing that frustrated me most, that filled me with such confusion and bewilderment, was who they chose to select as the Tennessee Titans’ best player…


Erron fucking Kinney.

Look, I loves me some Kinney, he was a solid and dependable tight end, but he was coming off a 25 catch, 193 yard and 3 TD season. Christ, I could get those numbers if you flung the ball at me enough times. For some reason, the ratings system was stacked in this one game to favour tight ends, making Kinney statistically superior to Tom Brady, Jamal Lewis, and both co-MVPs, Peyton Manning and Steve McNair.

Methinks this DS game was coded by tight ends, or at very least, tight end fanciers. Hehehe that sounds cheeky…

One of the other things that makes this game so disposable to me is the sheer number of Madden games I currently have in my possession. They’re bigger and better now, and this underpowered offering simply can’t stack up. Basically any positive quality it holds, its PS2 parallel has trumped. This includes: statistical brilliance by some of my favourite players, the song Wait by Earshot, and Jerry Rice.

Of all the Madden games I own, this one is the worst. And when you consider that I have the cumbersome Madden ’10 on iPhone, you know that this game is really bad.


Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go score a touchdown using only the Titans’ best player… Erron Kinney, it’s go time!

Damn you, Kinney! You and your tricks…