Once upon a chipmunk I alluded to my storied history in magazines. Back in 2012, I was still amassing Sports Illustrated to the best of my ability, but alas, it has slowed basically to a halt in modern times. In Australia you can choose from five different magazines about mining, while my own interests are pushed into the ether. I do buy SLAM issues when I can afford them (newsagents charge a premium for those bad boys), as well as Game Informer — particularly when they run compelling pieces of prose by talented, handsome and lovable journalists who also happen to be me.
But of course, it all started back in the mid-90s when I received my very first copy of Nickelodeon Magazine. What would follow was a thriving literary relationship that would carry on through the turn of the millennium. How obsessed was I with this mag? From what I was able to find, I collected at least 36 issues. People always told me I had a lot of issues as a kid, and I guess this is why.
Though the articles on those wacky Nicktoons were the major draw card, Nick Mag was jam packed full of fun and informative content. Some of it was factual, much of it was irreverent, and all of it was a lot more healthy than simply sitting in front of the boob tube all day.
...A quick Google image search confirms that literally nobody uses that phrase to refer to television anymore. Still, it wasn't the most unpleasant image search I've ventured on.
One of my favourite features were occasional awesome problem solving brainteasers like the one above. If you're keen on taking a crack at it yourself, here are the rules...
- Stink refuses to play in a band with females, because he's a misogynistic pig (editorial license).
- Charlie Warts thinks his band should have two boys and two girls.
- Ringo Starch insist on playing with either Stink or Paul McFartney.
- Lards Ulrich won't play for Green Dog.
- Flu and Ai-yi-yi-ah refuse to be in the same band. Flu's the queasy-looking bassist, but his name got cut off in the scanning process. He's also a boy, if you couldn't tell. I wasn't sure until I met him privately in a bathroom stall.
- The Hedge and Janet Traction always play together.
- Sheryl Pigeon plays for Fleetwood Splat.
- Mumbajumba has a female singer.
Flipping through the pages, I'm awash with feelings of nostalgia. Whether it's comics starring the Southern Fried Fugitives or a sneaky cameo by the roving reporter Zelda Van Gutters, it really takes me back. Goddamn, I was such a Nick Kid, and it probably explains why to this day, every time I watch a Falcons game, I giggle when I hear Alex Mack's name called out.
It's also fascinating to see references made to celebrities and films that nobody remembers anymore. So far, I've come across Vincent Kartheiser, Air Bud: Golden Receiver and the hip hop artist Mase. The latter of whom you may recall from that one song Feel So Good, and has perhaps the saddest Wikipedia entry in the history of mankind. Seriously, it's mostly just quotes about people he would like to work with. Kramer's Peterman autobiography had more substance, for crying out loud.
Anyhow, there's not really a lot more that I can opine on the subject. Writing about writing is a practice in redundancy (writeception?), so as I had with N64 Gamer, I leave you now with some highlights on this wonderfully orange trip down memory lane. Don't worry, I'll spare you the many, many ads for Mary-Kate and Ashley video cassettes.
Back when Jake Lloyd was just a shitty actor, instead of a shitty human being.
We all remember our first time on MDMA.
Observation: TLC were nominated for a Kids Choice Award in 1992, for a song that was explicitly about sex. In 2000, they earned a second nomination as they came off FanMail, an album with tracks titled Silly Ho and Don't Pull Out On Me Yet.
I'm fucking hilarious.
But I pale in comparison to Ashley M. of Fairhope, Alabama, who appears to have written an entry that explored homosexuality.
This ad had me convinced that I really needed a Time Machine Toothbrush. Especially the version that was big enough to ride on.
I told you that I had the Mini Mutants Technodrome playset. I also told you that I would find a way to awkwardly shoehorn it into an irrelevant post.
I love everything about this comic. I would like to know more about Bad Dog, and what he's doing now. My assumption is that he's spent the last twenty years in prison.
Man, Goldberg didn't job for anyone in the 90s, did he?