Toy Flashback: The Unfortunate Fate of Hulk

Incredibly delicious.

#0036: Spider-Sense Peter Parker

Here’s a random memory: While on a flight from Australia to Canada in 2004, I watched Spiderman 2. However, I had already seen it a fair few times, and it was becoming old hat, so I made the curious decision to watch it in French. And it was fantastic.

“Qui est Speederman?”

“C’est Peet-air Park-air!”

“Park-air?!”

It really opened the movie up for me: new possibilities, new discoveries, and perhaps even new references to croissants. I wouldn’t know, because I hardly speak any French. I learnt Italian instead, which has so far never proven useful to me in the slightest.

With all that in mind, let’s take a look at this exciting toy. It’s the amazing(ly shitty) Spider-Sense Peter Parker. Or, as the French say, Peet-air Park-air. …Chiudi la bocca!


As you can plainly see, this thing is quite hideous. This McDonald’s prize from 1995 represents Peter Parker’s apparently dreadful fashion sense as he gallivants about New York City, hoping to get that elusive perfect shot for the front cover of the Daily Bugle. Maybe it’s the brown jacket I don’t like, zipped up so tightly it almost entirely conceals his red undergarments. He looks like a flasher, dammit. Add to that a utility belt either carrying camera gear, ‘spider’ gear, or gimp gear, and I truly do not want this man to take my photo.

Also, that camera is quite uninspired. It’s just entirely coated in an unhappy layer of black paint. Not even the scarcest attempt at adding a little colour for a lens, which makes it look suspiciously like one of those fake cameras that squirts water at you. You know the kind. It pissed Tom Cruise right off then, and it pisses me right off now.

And, to compound this frustration (and to begin three straight paragraphs with A words), the painting job at rear of camera is shoddy at best. The skin tones of Peter’s hand has spilt out onto the camera itself, causing the perfectionists among us to waggle our fingers in disdain. It could also possibly cause the deluded among us to fear that this is actually a horrifying display of Peter’s hand melting from mere contact with the camera. And though this is certainly the more exciting option, it’s hardly plausible.

Furthermore, why in God’s name has he got an arm raised skyward? Of course, you know the mechanic behind this, and if you don’t, persist with patience and ye shall be rewarded. But I mean, come on. The man is trying to take a picture. Why would he do this while shooting a fist to the air? Is it a curious gesture of ‘smile for the birdie?’, or is he dangling haphazardly from an invisible string in a daring attempt to catch his targets unaware? Or did he just take a particularly good photo that he’s chuffed as chips about?


I don’t know. But I’m sure Sarah Michelle Gellar Sticker is sick and tired of all these damned paparazzi. Though frankly, I’m sick of her. I’ve been trying to tear that thing off the bed head for years, but she refuses to go down without a fight. These damned feminist movements, they’re too empowering, you see.

…I totally didn’t intend on making a pun about a sticker not moving being caused by a feminist movement. That’s fucking fantastic. Additionally, this entry is so wordy it hurts. Don’t think I haven’t noticed this. Ouch!

But as the toy promises, every now and then (like when he sees a particularly attractive lady), Peter will feel his ‘spider-sense’ tingling. I sort of cock an eyebrow to this one, because although he can ‘do whatever a spider can’, at no point have I ever known spiders to be fucking clairvoyant. If they were, surely they’d be much better at avoiding being squashed by boots. …Or is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? Shit, now I’m confusing myself with spider paradoxes. I’ve never pondered such things before, and I’m alarmed to be doing so now.

Without further ado (and by ado I mean stalling), here is the manifestation of Peter Parker’s spider-sense.


Yup. I don’t get it either.

Evidently the spider-sense ravenously consumes half of Peter’s head, causing a sick amalgamation between mild-mannered photographer and daring web slinger. It looks quite painful, really, and it is a harrowing reminder of the burden that is Peter’s to bear. With great power comes great responsibility, and, on occasion, half of a mask will eat you.

You see, in my mind, this would be the more logical scenario for Peter’s arm to be raised. When he’s in a normal state, and either trying to take a picture, or just strolling around NYC, it just doesn’t make sense for him to be doing it. In the former instance, that would surely cause the camera to be unsteady and the photo blurred, and in the latter instance, Christ, you just don’t walk around New York with an arm up. People will think you’re crazy. Or that you want everyone to get a whiff of your new deodorant. In which case, you’re still crazy. You just smell nicer.

And that’s really all there is to this toy. He’s hardly up to the lofty standard set by his Spawn counterpart, the Clown, but I guess he’s kinda okay. I would be disappointed to have gotten him with my Happy Meal, though. It’s a Sad Meal for me.

I don’t know how I mustered over 900 words on this crappy thing. It must be the journalist within me, subconsciously triggered by Peter’s employment in the newspaper industry. That’s almost deep in a sense. Troubling, but deep.

As a final aside, if you position him just right, he looks like a mutated freak.

#0011: The Incredible Hulk

Did I ever mention that one of the primary reasons that I’m doing this is to clear out space? Not out of the goodness of my heart, but on the pure basis that I’m surrounded by decades-old clutter. There comes a time in every man’s life where he looks upon his desk and ponders which will give him more joy: a large stereo system, or a Beetlejuice toy.

The answer is obvious.

And shit, it’s actually the Beetlejuice toy.

But we’ll ignore that anyway, and press on with the point I was trying to make; that this shit takes up room, and I appear to have chosen the slowest way possible to clear it. Just reflect, in nearly two months, I have removed ten small items.

Let’s get bigger. Let’s get the Incredible Hulk. …We’re gonna GIT ‘IM!


This one just seems obvious to me. I got him from an arcade that I worked at, not through a lot of money and effort at a claw machine, but, as best as I can recall, someone left him on the floor or in the office or something. Who really knows how or why I acquired this Hulk fella, but it truly harkens back to the kleptomaniac in me.

Frankly, he’s not that attractive. I know that that was never one of the hallmarks of the Hulk franchise, but he’s just nothing nice to look at in general. His build is particularly awkward. When I think of how I’d craft a Hulk physique, I’d get my inspiration from Machoke or Scott Steiner. It appears as though the good people at Hunter Leisure got their Hulk body ideas from a cactus crossed with the letter W.


His face is cheeky, and his teeth are green.

Shouldn’t Bruce Banner’s teeth shatter from rapid size change? I can understand his flesh expanding to the needs of the Hulk (though really he should be covered in rolls of loose skin), but in all honesty, after a busy Hulk session, Banner should really look worse for wear. He tends to just look tired and stressed, but that’s the same as in any profession.

We need to feel his pain, y’know? It’s hard to sympathise with him wanting to remove his gamma powers when those abilities make him huge and strong and green, but if he came out of it looking like he’d just taken on a velociraptor with an Uzi, it would make a little more sense.

…Apparently, a velociraptor with an Uzi was the most damaging thing I could think of. Not a wrecking ball, or an explosive device. Velociraptor with an Uzi.


…

…

…Damn Right.

I note with delight that, although his pants feature the traditional zig-zag tear at the bottom, the only other damage they appear to have sustained is a pair of holes at his knees. Yes, the Hulk has holes at the knees like a little kid.

I wonder how much crawling he did to achieve these holes, exactly? And during what kind of mischief? Do we ever see the Hulk on his knees? I mean, other than when he’s just copped a missile to the forehead? Why are these particular pants emerald green? Is he a fashionista?

Aside from that, I’m really not getting a whole lot from my Hulk. He’s hardly Incredible.

Though you know, when I look at him and his… buff physique… spiky hair… complete lack of intelligence… I can’t help but feel as though he reminds me of someone…

If Michael Sorrentino is the Situation, the Incredible Hulk is the goddamn Solution.