#0088: Rock & Roll Elmo

Of all the crazes that shook the 90s, Tickle Me Elmo was perhaps the most significant one to completely pass me by. Causing widespread panic and grievous bodily harm in the holiday period of 1996, it's hard to quantify exactly why it resonated so strongly with people. I mean, it was kinda creepy, wasn't it? It was certainly annoying by most accounts, but that didn't stop it from becoming a sensation.

The rise and fall of the Tickle Me Elmo was excellently covered by E.S. Huffman over on Uproxx, and that piece is well worth a read if you want a thoroughly researched, well-written sample of journalism. It's a stark contrast to what you'll get here; tired analogies and at least thirty instances of the word 'fuck'.

Regardless, my dad ended up with all kinds of bizarre knick knacks during his time as an Avon salesman, so in 1997 we became the proud(?) owners of Rock & Roll Elmo, one of many desperate attempts to recapture that giggling, wriggling gold mine. I assume dad got all of these things as free samples, and didn't steal them. But I can never be certain; he is Australian, you know.

The first thing you'll notice is that this Elmo is thicc. He's got a booty that will make the boys drool, and his apple bottom jeans are the envy of furry monsters the world over. Not exactly a faithful representation of Sesame Street's resident sweetheart, but you know what? I like my Elmos chubby. It's just the way I am.

He's got a leather jacket, garish shoes from the thrift shop, and a thousand-yard stare that indicates that he truly embraced the rock and roll culture of the 70s, for better or worse. Most importantly, however, is the hammer he wields. By my estimation, it's probably a modified Gibson SG, though the head more closely resembles a Yamaha Pacifica 012, while the body just screams Fender Stratocaster.

I'd love to hear opinions from actual musicians, because I literally just Googled 'blue guitar' and picked at random. I am rock. And occasionally Groot.

Whereas Tickle Me Elmo's gimmick was to fall about laughing every time you touched him inappropriately, Rock & Roll Elmo is much more composed. He just wants to fucking jam, and he even takes requests (as long as it is one of the three songs he knows).

I know you're desperate to hear him slay, and perhaps even a little bit apprehensive after the unfathomable letdown that was It From the Pit, who I am only now realising I should have called Shit From the Pit because that's excellent satire. But I implore you to be patient, for good things come to those who wait. Please, don't call my bluff and scroll to the bottom of the page. I've got to hit a sufficient word count, first.

...You totally scrolled, didn't you? You monster.

With that in mind, and as you've shown no regard for the sanctity of spoilers whatsoever (Rosebud's the sled, Bruce Willis is dead, and Brad Pitt lives inside Norton's head), let's move onto the man we all came to see...

Well, there you go.

The quality is actually pretty good, to be honest. Elmo's voice is a little tinny, but it's definitely him, and the tunes are all quite serviceable. The lights on the guitar are a nice touch, plus he even strums his instrument, though I'm fairly certain he's actually playing the same note every time.

The only thing I can't get behind is his mad vibrating. That just seems unnerving. Again, I'm not a musician, but I would think that rapid movement would prove detrimental to the quality of your performance. Is he chilly? Is he nervous? Or did the pingas just kick in right at that inconvenient moment? Hesitant as I am to pass judgement, just taking one look at his pupils makes me certain of my vote.

In any event, there he is in all his splendour. He does his thing, then he sits there idly, waiting for you to press that button to give him purpose, akin to a forgotten merry go round or Bernie Sanders. Once you've done it, you'll be subjected to that sinister show, and there's no way of stopping him. Pressing the button again doesn't turn him off, oh no. It makes him shake up his setlist and jump over to his next hit tune.

Overall, he makes me feel icky. And you know what? Give it some time, and I think you will, too...