#0105: Cave-Beast Bebop and his Bodacious Brontosaurus

Toronto Raptors, Toronto Raptors, Toronto Raptors, something something, Toronto Raptors.

Allow me to be as transparent as the shirt Christian Cage used to wear in the late 90s: the only reason I'm making this post is so that I can take yet another opportunity to celebrate the fact that my Toronto freakin' Raptors have won the NBA Championship.

After a quarter century of misery, I never thought I'd see the day, and I'm still riding a high. I just want to set down as many flagpoles as I can, so that I may someday look back on this date and remember the elation I felt.

As such, you, my svelte/gargantuan/Herculean friend (trying to cover all my bases here), get to be the beneficiary of a rare 2019 Toy Eulogy post. I know you're excited. I also know you're me. So hello me. I hope you're having a nice day.

In keeping with the prehistoric theme, we are heading back to the Jurassic period to revisit a dinosaur that has been proven and disproven by modern science, as well as his grouchy warthog friend. Say hello to Cave-Beast Bebop and his Bodacious Brontosaurus.

I wonder how many people at Playmates were assigned to the singular task of brainstorming alliterate phrases. Incidentally, Cave-Beast Bebop is my username on FetLife.

This dastardly pair came as part of the second batch of Cave Turtle figures. The other, Cave Woman April, had a Radical Raptor as her ally, which would have made her a much more appropriate candidate for today, however this brontosaurus is red... So that makes it more aesthetically close to our beloved mascot.

Also, I don't have Cave Woman April, but that's neither here nor there. Actually, it's entirely there, for it is clearly not here. Ho ho ho!

Once upon a time, Cave-Beast Bebop came equipped with a sword and club to make him appropriately menacing, but the only accessories left in his possession are the saddle and reigns on his scaly comrade, simply because I never had a reason to take them off (fortunately, I wasn't into dinosaur porn back in 1994).

Also, the 'Bronto Brand' remains intact, for obvious reasons, and I think it's a bit cheeky to consider it an accessory in the first place. It has the Foot's logo, which is appropriate, but next to it is 'TMNT' in big, bold font.

The reasons for this are completely beyond me – other than simple toy branding, but we're talking kayfabe here – so let's try and think of possible meanings for this acronym other than representing the Foot Clan's mortal enemies.

Terrapin Mashing Neanderthal Terror?

Terribly Mean Nasty Tyrants?

Trevor Might Need Therapy?

Fuck it, it's totally that last one. Lock it in.

As you'd expect, these figures are your standard Turtle quality, riddled with nice little details and even a few warts atop Bebop's hide, in keeping with his name.

They're also sporting various items of armour fashioned out of turtle shells, typical among the villainous Foot, however I'm left wondering why, just a little bit.

Sure, they detest their Turtle rivals, but does that mean that every single tortoise in existence needs to die? That would be like hating your neighbour John, and then murdering every single person named John and wearing their scalp as a trophy.

The back of the box had your average Turtle fare (yes, I have now used standard, typical and average in quick succession, so sue me), but most noteworthy, describes Cave-Beast Bebop's brain as being about the size of a grain of Stone Age sand.

For one thing, that sounds like it would inhibit his basic motor functions, and he would die upon birth. Moreover, what difference would the era make? Was Stone Age sand notably smaller? In theory, it would be less eroded, making it larger than modern day sand, right?

Goddammit I really wish I wouldn't get so obsessive about these minor details. My mind just goes in strange directions sometimes.

Anyway, I think we've talked enough about Cave-Beast and his long-necked comrade. They look mighty hungry, and I'd rather they leave me alone, and target a hapless turtle instead.