Tuesday, March 29, 2011

#0012: Bruiser

For a program I never watched, it seems as though I have an awful lot of Bucky O’Hare toys. In fact, I feature a robust portfolio of three.

I know, it’s not quite a smorgasbord. If I tried hosting a Bucky O’Hare party, my guests would probably be sorely disappointed with the sparse roster on selection. But I emphasise the fact; I never once watched the show. Never. It’d be like buying a My Pet Monster toy for your fifteen-year-old brother today, even though the blue gaffer hasn’t been seen for about twenty-four years, and he lacks the fond memories of Beastur et al.

And frankly, the selection of Bucky toys we own is bizarre. So we’ve got Bucky, who’s a necessity of course, but beyond that, there’s no Deadeye Duck or Jenny the telepathic pussy.

No. We got gypped. We got a hideous pre-teen Willy DuWitt toy, who my sister and I have been trying to pawn off onto each other’s toy collections for years. And the last of the trio is a character I don’t even recall ever existing. Christ, he’s trumped by that stupid ass robot Blinky. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bruiser.

My knowledge of Bruiser is distinctly lacking. He’s clearly the muscle of Bucky’s team, but what secrets does he hold? He is dressed akin to an extra from Mad Max, and he has distinctly placed protruding elements from his chest plate that I can only assume are for his erect nipples. With that being said, perhaps I don’t want to know about Bruiser’s secrets. They’re naughty secrets.

I’m just going to get it out of the way now, because otherwise it’s going to bug me. In my anal retentive world of paint jobs (I should get into car detailing), the only thing that irks me more than a lazily coloured toy is one where they’ve completely miscoloured something. In Bruiser’s case, it’s his left hand. He’s clearly wearing a glove, spikes and everything, yet it’s the exact same colour as the rest of his body. I often wonder how such omissions occur, but I guess it’s not really something I should be dwelling on. It’s not like I’m going to fix it in the hopes of a Bucky relaunch.

I’ve just now noticed he appears to actually be wearing Speedo’s of some sort that have also been left uncoloured, so let me just declare that these items of clothing are in fact simply orange-coloured. Either it was a silly coincidence that Bruiser hadn’t noticed when purchasing the items on sale from Wal-Mart, or it was a tactical ploy he is using in order to disguise the fact that he’s wearing a dangerous glove of destructive power, and also to disguise the fact that his junk is not flying solo.

Bruiser features holes in his feet, typical of toys from his era so that he can be stood up in his team’s vehicle. He also has a curious hole planted directly in his back, which remains a mystery to us all.

Does this mean that he was also intended to lie down in the vehicle, in case of injury or naptime? Or was he supposed to have an unreleased accessory that allowed him to breakdance? What a glorious sight that would have been! A studded, potentially orange-Speedo wearing breakdancing gorilla! It’s like Donkey Kong gone wrong. It’s everything I ever wanted to be in life, only if I had my way, he would also be shooting fireworks from his shoes. And, considering the holes he has in his soles… Who knows? Another world, another time, Bruiser may have been synonymous with my very existence.

Beyond that, Bruiser’s strange physique is actually rather posable. We’ve seen his stereotypical ‘ook ook I’m a gorilla’ stance, but check out his range!

Stand him upright and he becomes an educated, liberal-minded member of society. He enjoys poetry and political debates.

Throw his limbs to the air and he looks like he’s making a bold proclamation for the people. Is he a rock star, or is he Malcolm X? You decide!

He can even dance to Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. I’m unclear exactly how a Tarzan Boy dance would look, so I lifted this particular boogie from the third Ninja Turtles movie.

Falcon PAWNCH! Oh ho, fooled by my camouflaged glove, were you, Pikachu?

The final question that Bruiser presents, and it is indeed a big one, is what was supposed to slot into his right hand? There’s a dandy little hole in there, and it has to be filled with something. It’s not like he’s going to use his fist as a pretend telescope, after all.

At first, I assumed I had simply lost the particular accessory, but a quick squiz at fully packaged Bruisers reveals that he never came with anything at all. So you can stick whatever you damn well want in his hand really, just don’t expect a cool club or massive gun or something, because it’s a tiny little hole. He can only place small things that he feels affectionate towards in there. You know exactly what I’m talking about…

It took twenty-one years, but I feel good to know that I can finally reunite him with his lost child, Chimchar. It’s a beautiful thing, that monkey love.

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