Tuesday, August 21, 2012

#0062: Big Ears

A new home brings many new experiences, and it's been pretty hectic so far. But I've finally found an opportunity to bring over a geriatric toy for your enjoyment. You know what they say; out with the old, and in with the nucleus!

This one is a little strange, I must admit. Here, we see Noddy's dear friend Big Ears. Big Ears is everything to Noddy: his teacher, his protector, his lover. The nights they spend together in that bed are pure magic. Then, they go about their day, teaching those cheeky Gollywogs a lesson.

But the issue I have with this particular offering of Big Ears is a pretty glaring omission... The fucker ain't got no ears, bro.

It would be like Tails having no tails. It'd be like Slippy Toad represented as some form of obtuse skeletal zebra. It'd be like Billy Joel playing Piano Man on the triangle, foregoing any solos to simply stare intently at the audience.

Christ, it's a bit of a major cock up in my book, and I've never quite forgiven the gnomish bastard for it. In the sake of verbal padding, however, we will attempt to put this shameful fault aside. After all, he at least can't hear all of the nasty things we say about him.

Big 'Ears' is able to stand freely of his own accord, putting him in roughly the 99th percentile of plushes. Unfortunately, other than posing him for voyeuristic photography (such as I'm doing right now), plushes don't really have a lot of need for being able to stand erect. In actuality, it makes me want to kick him in the face, simply because I can. He's like an Ike Broflovski of my very own, and punting him through a window would be such a delight. I'll refrain from fulfilling such fantasies for now, because I've only been renting this property for a week, and I don't think the landlord would like it. Next month, perhaps.

Big Ears features a lovely paint job on his face. He's got a little bit of blush on his cheeks and nose (because he's drunk), as well as a sly little smile. He's just happy to be here, isn't he? Happy to be 'ear', indeed...

...Occasionally, I discover something midway through making these posts, an earth-shattering revelation that makes me want to practically scrap the whole thing and start over again. However, I like the imagery of Billy Joel menacingly playing the triangle too much to bother, so I'll just be frank: I haven't read the Noddy books for approximately thirteen years, so my recollection of Big Ears' appearance is a little hazy.

A quick Google image search has just unveiled that Big Ears never wore such garb, leaving me to conclude that this isn't him at all. It is, in actuality...

A gnome doll.

My very first INAKA doll! How (mildly) exciting. Unfortunately, searching for 'gnome doll' yields more entries than grains of cocaine in the nostril of Charlie Sheen. So, until someone is able to enlighten me on who or what this gnome actually is (which has happened a few times so far), he will remain anonymous.

Really, I'll just be glad to get rid of him. He's been lying in my closet like a smiling corpse this week, and it's freaking creepy.

'Where's the Wii balance board? Is it in here...? Gahh!! Tiny little body!!'

I'm almost half expecting some kind of Child's Play horror, though at the very least, my grisly murder would at least be amusing to watch from afar. Because he's so cute and bearded, and he's got that million dollar smile. Who would ever expect him of being a gnomicidal maniac?


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