Sometimes it's an impulse buy from your parents, desperate to appease your insatiable hunger for consumerism, while other times, you're drawn in by the sweet aroma of a particularly compelling commercial. Whatever the case, we all had the occasional toy of unknown origin from a series you didn't have any particular affinity for. Unless you were poor, in which case you just had specks of dust. Even then, some specks were better than others.
Today's specks of dust are these rather obtuse War Planets. Evidently, this was a late '90s toy franchise that spawned a TV show with character designs from Brendan McCarthy, formerly of ReBoot. The toys never really gained much traction and the show was short-lived, but despite all these factors, I ended up with not one but two of the eponymous planets of war. Allow me to take you on a trip to Bone Planet and Ice Planet.
Side note 1: I really had to force myself to use the term 'eponymous' in that leadoff. In actual fact, I much prefer 'titular'. Must be the 'tit' that does it for me.
Side note 2: "Allow me to take you on a trip to Bone Planet" sounds like the worst pickup line ever.
The narrative of War Planets is fairly self-explanatory, focusing on the ongoing struggle for galactic supremacy, with the occasional handshake armistice between parties to help shake the narrative up. Despite its tentacular exterior that threatens to molest oncoming spacecraft, Bone Planet is purportedly a heroic nation, and according to the Shadow Raiders wiki, part of the Alliance against the wicked Beast Planet.
Fuck Beast Planet. Hate that guy.
If you're unimpressed by the first photo, you'll be pleased to know that the planets are merely a precursor to the true wonder that lies within. Deep within the core of your War Planet are a bevy of aliens, ready to do battle with a wide variety of weapons and creatures. Does this imply that all War Planets are hollow? If we dug deep enough, would we happen upon the subterranean kingdom of Atvatabar? Will anyone actually understand this incredibly vague reference?
No time for answers, dammit, we need to crack our planets open and feast on the goo inside.
Whoa, that's a lot to unpack. Quite literally, actually, as it took around seven minutes to even set this stupid photo up. My dad walked in during the process, and asked me if I was working today.
"Clearly, I am!" I hissed, slamming the door shut before I continued to prop up my tiny little monsters in a manner I deemed aesthetically pleasing.
From what I can glean, the Bone Planet is a bit of a loose cannon, only entering the Alliance out of a convenient place of mutual interest, while masking their true intentions of double crossing everyone else at the last minute. In that sense, they're rather similar to the Forsaken legions of the undead from World of Warcraft, or North Korea if you'd prefer to be a little bit more on the nose.
There's beasts and cannons aplenty, and it was quite the nightmarish task to unearth all of these pieces from the toy chest and ascertain what actually belonged to the Bone Planet. If it was fairly green and vaguely lumpy, it was probably Bone Planet. Or infected.
I appear to have been so fond of Bone Planet that I acquired supplementary pieces, as there are some characters and vehicles that weren't included with the original set that look a little bit more yucky. I don't have any recollection of enjoying it this much ("they like War, they like Planets... One kid seems to love the Bone Planet"), which leads me to believe that it was in actual fact my father who was the Bone Planet fanatic. Holy shit, that phrase really rolls off the tongue.
And yes, I do intend on saying Bone Planet as much as humanly possible. It's what Bone Planet would want me to do. It's also really good for SEO.
Brr. This is Ice Planet. Hopefully their frosty reception doesn't give you the chills, they're just known to give the cold shoulder. Yes, I'm fully aware that that was a terrible sentence, and nowhere near as funny as the concept that Bone Planet is a euphemism for sex.
Ice Planet has a myriad of tiny blue denizens toting firearms, as you might expect. I particularly like the crystal spiders, but the missile turtles aren't without their charm. Particularly the one on the left there that appears to have stuck its nose right up another one's ass - he's tons of fun!
There aren't as many projectiles on offer in this set (disappointing if you particularly enjoy shooting your younger siblings in the eye), but they do have a sweet blue automobile that appears to be too small for any of the local fauna to fit into. This leads me to believe that there is a tiny unseen race of beings that operate this vehicle, or the people of Ice Planet are actually clowns, and they miraculously squeeze an entire group in there to great comedic effect.
Truth be told, I never waged war between my planets. I just
Dictionary.com defines an action figure as "a toy figure with jointed, movable limbs, representing a character in a cartoon, movie, etc., or a real person or animal, often one known for exciting action or extraordinary powers."
The War Planets collection fit most of these distinctions, particularly their 'exciting action' or 'extraordinary powers', but it's worth noting that several of the pieces have no jointed, movable limbs to speak of. To this end, Reis O'Brien of The Spruce Crafts delegates them as figurines; "often small, sculpted and painted representations of personified characters like superheroes or movie characters. They have no moving parts."
The sizing is also consistent, as O'Brien goes on to note that figurines range "from extremely miniature (6mm model train figures) up to approximately 6 inches. Anything larger is generally considered a "statue.""
Or my penis. Ho ho ho.
In the end, I just said fuck it and chucked both tags on there. I'll allow you to argue amongst yourselves as to which is the more accurate delineation. Odds are, you'll find yourself a mutual enemy more worthy of your rage before too long.
No comments:
Post a Comment