Sunday, February 26, 2012

#0044: Skateboard Boo-Boo

In only a few short days, the cocaine snake has already found his way into the classroom, warming children’s hearts and fending off lurking vermin. One student has named him Peter, and enjoys placing him on my fiancé’s desk. I don’t know why.

I’m ecstatic to know that, occasionally, I can see the happy result of my donations. Off they go, into that classroom, into that playroom, into that brothel, ready to please. It’s exactly half of what I’m doing this for.

Unfortunately, not all toys can be as lucky. Sometimes, we must pay homage to toys who will not be meeting a happy end. Whether it’s a leaking sand lizard, a chewed-up action figure or something simply horrifying, I know that the best they can hope for is to be disassembled for scrap parts. And today, we meet one of those tragic few. Strap on your skates Gordie, we’re going in for the Skateboard Boo-Boo.

As you can see, Boo-Boo’s been a hardcore skater since the 60s. Ranger Smith’s all like, ‘are those bears on a fucking skateboard?’ because that’s pretty weird, yo.

It was difficult to find all the details about this toy at first, because as you can anticipate, Googling ‘skateboard boo-boo’ inevitably yields thousands of photos and videos about unfortunate skating accidents. It sounds kind of cool saying that I suffered through broken bones and contusions in my search for an answer, and then, when I came upon that answer, I was frankly a little bit disappointed. This toy was from a set of four, made in 1991 to promote the new show Yo, Yogi! And it came from… yep, you guessed it. McDonald’s.

Every now and then, they show imagery of grotesquely overweight little kids, and your immediate reaction is either pity or disgust. How could anyone allow that to happen to their child? Just stop giving them McDonald’s, dammit!

I, however, have the toy-based evidence of many, many trips to McDonald’s, and I was a lanky kid who frankly could have stood to put on more weight. Clearly, I’m what’s wrong with America. I was a fat kid lounging about in a skinny kid’s body, and I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, please remember that I’m Canadian, so in effect, I’m part of an entirely different demographic from fat kids in the United States.

Anyhow, Yo, Yogi! was incredibly short-lived (and, like most of my childhood, featured Rob Paulsen), but I have to say, it garnered some pretty awesome Happy Meal toys. Described as ‘rev-ups’, these toys are intended to be dragged across the ground multiple times in quick succession before being let go, and away they zoom! Near as I can recall, I only ever got three of them (because Cindy was a girl and girls were icky!) and for my money, Boo-Boo was the best. That little guy could muster up some serious torque on that skateboard.

I remember quite distinctly putting that theory to test in a way only a stupid child would. I revved him up as much as I could, and then put him on my head. My intentions, I can’t quite recollect. Did I assume he would zip majestically off my head, and then tear onto the floor? I dunno. He ended up getting stuck in my hair. So tangled was he, my mom had to use scissors to cut him out, leaving me with a very small bald spot for a brief period of time. I’m tempted to give it another shot, for old time’s sake, but I shall refrain.

Skateboarding was hitting something of a renaissance in the 90s, so it made sense for the extreme sporting collection to include a boarding Boo-Boo. What I can’t quite support, however, is his lack of protective gear. You can’t tell me that a cap, a dapper shirt and a pair of white shorts will protect you from grievous harm. You can tell me that a pink bow-tie would, but you’d only fool me temporarily. That smug look on his face would suggest that he’s unconcerned for his safety, and moreover, unconcerned for the safety of the 90s children who look up to him. You can also prop him up to look like a rocket ship about to launch, and this is also an unsafe practice when done without a helmet.

So as you can see, Boo-Boo is now a broken man, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Most of my toys are a little nicked here and there, but still in working order. Boo-Boo’s missing front axel, which appears to have been snapped off entirely, is an enigma. My guess would be that dwelling inside a plastic tub, occasionally harshly shifted about once every few millennia, has led to him running afoul of some very rough, very heavy customers. Finally, Boo-Boo would snap. And with that, his dreams of one day seeing the light of day and hitting that skate ramp one last time combusted like Lucas Lee.

He is, however, capable of doing some really awesome, frantic zig-zagging crap, like a fly after it’s been smothered with bug spray, and it’s actually better than the straight-line stuff he used to do, but it’s a hard sell. Seeing is believing.

Yeah! Boo-Boo’s on acid! Kids will dig that shit, right? Finally, a cartoon character we can relate to.

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